


Working My Way Back To You

by madamewriterofwrongs



Series: Show and Tell [6]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anniversary, Arguing, Communication, Drama, Emotional Baggage, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Internal Conflict, M/M, Miscommunication, Reconciliation, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, talking about feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:42:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25793830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madamewriterofwrongs/pseuds/madamewriterofwrongs
Summary: They're working on their communication, they really are. But sometimes, things go askew. And then things get out of hand whensomeonelet's his imagination run away from him.In which Buck thinks he's losing Eddie when he really, really isn't, and necessary talks occur.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Show and Tell [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1766488
Comments: 27
Kudos: 230





	Working My Way Back To You

**Author's Note:**

> Continuing on with the universe of Buck and Eddie actually trying to work on their problems as a couple, we present: when things go wrong. Thank you, Mads, for helping with the opening (everything else is entirely my fault). 
> 
> Kudos/Comments are always appreciated. Enjoy! 
> 
> [madamewriterofwrongs](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/madamewriterofwrongs/blog/madamewriterofwrongs)

Buck loved nights like this. They came off of their ten-hour shift in time to pick up Christopher from school – much to the boy’s delight. They’d gone grocery shopping as a unit, and then Buck and Eddie had made dinner while Christopher sat at the dining room table, happily doing his homework. During the meal, they’d all chatted about their day, mostly letting Christopher talk about the latest playground goings-on, but answering any questions he had about their shift. Then the boy had gone off to his room to read until it was time for bed, leaving Buck and Eddie to clean up and relax on the couch. All in all, it was a quiet, perfect little night for the three of them.

There had been a lot of perfect nights, lately. In fact, any night that he got to spend at home with his boys (watching movies in a pillow fort, making crafts at the kitchen table, acting out scenes in the backyard, or just cuddling in bed reading) was exactly how he wanted to spend his time.

They were technically coming up on their one year together (on Thursday, actually). He tacked on the ‘technically’ in his mind because there were a few significant milestones worth celebrating, but this would be the first.

There was the night of their amazing second date that cemented their commitment to each other; there was the disastrous first date that marked their initial step into a romantic relationship (as horribly as it had ended). Then, of course, there was the night they’d kissed for the first time; the kiss that had launched Buck into an entirely new life that was as familiar as breathing.

He thought about that night often (especially early on in their relationship). Neither of them had intended for it to be anything but a normal night hanging out and talking over a beer. But at the end of it, he’d kissed his best friend from seemingly out of nowhere, and fell into this amazing love affair that made him happier than he’d ever been.

Though, ‘fell into’ probably wasn’t the right word for it. They’d talked through what the kiss had meant to them and what they wanted, and when things got off to a rocky start, they handled that as well. Buck and Eddie worked hard to be together.

But that much was true: he’d never felt happier. He hoped Eddie was happier, too. He certainly smiled more. Whether it was him or something else, he was just glad to see his boyfriend’s lips drawn wide; the open and relaxed smile that said nothing could dampen his mood. Buck was addicted to that smile as much as any other one of Eddie’s mesmerizing features.

So, yes, he was happy. He was also acutely aware of the fact that this was the longest relationship he’d ever been in and he wanted to celebrate that; especially since he had no intention of stopping after just one year of this. The fact that it was with Eddie – who currently sat at his feet, letting Buck massage the knots in his shoulder after a tiring day – just felt like even more reason to do something special.

Which is why he felt no qualms about suggesting “we should go out for dinner on Thursday” as he rolled his knuckle over a particularly tight muscle.

Eddie turned his head but couldn’t catch the other man’s eye behind him. “Why?” he asked, giving a light, appreciative moan when Buck dug deeper. “You know we don’t go out on weeknights.” That was an agreement they’d made early on. If their schedules aligned that they could spend a school-night with Christopher, then they would always spend it with him.

“I know but, Thursday’s special.” Buck kept his hands moving as Eddie mentally ran through the calendar until he landed on the correct date.

Even at a profile, he could see Eddie’s features soften into something quietly sentimental. “Our anniversary.”

Buck smiled – he’d been really hoping Eddie would call it that – but conceded “one of them. I think we’re gonna have to pick one and stick to it eventually.”

With a gentle smile, Eddie corrected himself. “Our first kiss.” he placed his lips to Buck’s knuckles as if remembering that first moment that had sparked between them.

Buck melted into his touch as he always did. “I just thought we should do something nice.”

Eddie relaxed into the space between his knees with a deep sigh, and Buck took the opportunity to let his massaging hands drift lower. Eddie made a humming noise somewhere between ‘I know what you’re doing and I’m enjoying it’ and ‘I’m trying to think really hard about our conversation.’

Finally, he offered “we could recreate our first date.”

Buck snorted, digging his fingers just a little bit deeper. “Plan a dinner and then you walk out in the middle of it?”

Eddie slapped a hand onto Buck’s forearm but not enough to be an actual scolding. “No.” In fact, he tilted his head, encouraging Buck to continue with his work. “Watch tv, drink beer, and make out on the couch.”

“We can do that any night” he whined. “Why don’t we do something different? It’s a special night.”

Underneath his hands, Eddie shifted his weight, the muscles of his back contracting at Buck’s request. He still didn’t ask Buck to stop but there was tension returning to his shoulders. “I don’t want to go out and celebrate” he said in a firm but kind voice. “I want to stay in and do something special together. We could cook, we could set up that mini-golf course you made for Christopher’s birthday, we could rent a movie, I could give you a massage – a proper one with oils and everything. Endless possibilities.”

With each offer, Buck became hyperaware of the contradiction between Eddie’s casual, inviting words, and the stiff, anxiety of his body. Something was wrong.

_He tensed up as soon as you mentioned going out._

_He doesn’t want to go out in public with you._

_Why doesn’t he want to be seen with you?_

_Is Eddie thinking of leaving you?_

_What did you do wrong?_

Buck stilled as his thoughts ran away from him, lifting his hands up when the ideas burned his skin. Eddie crawled away the moment he was released, and turned his body to face Buck. From there, his thoughts only sprinted farther. There was apprehension in his boyfriend’s eyes; maybe fear, but definitely anxiety. His Adam’s apple bobbed a few times as he waited for Buck to speak. Eddie was nervous. Buck furrowed his brow in confusion.

“Why don’t you want to go out?”

He noticed the shift in Eddie immediately. The disgust and disinterest that clouded his face was matched by the way he physically retreated onto his haunches. “Why don’t you want to stay in?” Eddie’s voice was tight; distant. Why was he acting like this? Something in their conversation had made him suddenly shut down and it worried Buck.

_He tensed up as soon as you mentioned going out._

He shut down that line of thinking, instead, seeking out an explanation. “Is something wrong?”

“No. We’ll go out.” Eddie’s response was immediate and accompanied by another move to distance himself from Buck. He stood over the couch, looking down at the cushion beside his head. “I’m gonna have a shower” he announced haltingly. 

He was halfway across the dining room when Buck called out “do you want me to join you?” as a last effort to reconnect.

Behind him, Eddie’s footsteps stopped and he sighed, long and deep. After an agonizing moment, he kept moving away from Buck. “I’m good.” And then he was gone.

Buck waited until he heard the shower turn on before he let himself breathe again.

What the hell was that?

* * *

That night, Eddie held him while they slept, reaching out to him as he always did. And in the morning, everything was as it had been. No tense shoulders, no closed off looks. Eddie acted like nothing was different between them.

But Buck couldn’t forget.

While they made breakfast that next morning, he watched Eddie’s face closely. Possibly too closely; every few minutes, Eddie would look over in confusion and he would quickly return to his own task, but keep a wary eye on the man beside him.

Eddie seemed fine – normal, in fact – but last night, he’d shut down at the idea of taking Buck out and it bothered him.

_He’s embarrassed to be seen with you._

_He doesn’t want to be with you anymore._

_He’s finally realized that you’re too much to handle._

_No._

Buck shook the thoughts away. Not Eddie. They may get on each other’s nerves on occasion but they always talked about it, reconciled.

_Why had he lied about being fine?_

“Eddie” before he could begin to guess what question would come out of his own mouth, Christopher entered the kitchen all bright smiles and excitement about the upcoming day at school. Everything was forgotten for the time being. He could talk to him later.

This was too big a conversation to have while they were driving to work, so once Christopher was dropped off at school, Buck let his thoughts wander while Eddie headed through LA traffic towards the station.

Something was bothering Eddie but he wasn’t ready to talk about it yet - that was fine. He could be patient and wait for Eddie to come to him.

_But what if it’s about you?_

It could be about him which is why he didn’t want to talk about it. It could be something that might hurt Buck or affect him in some way.

_He tells you everything, what could be so bad that he doesn’t want to tell you?_

Everything would be fine. They would work their shift and afterwards, he could gently ask Eddie what was wrong and maybe Eddie would tell him.

_Yeah, but you’re as gentle as a freight train._

So, he would be there for Eddie – remind him with his presence and that he was available – and hope that Eddie came to him when he was ready.

_It’s not good, but it’s a plan._

And that’s what Buck did. As often as possible, he was at Eddie’s side – sometimes barely acknowledging the other man’s presence, just sitting beside him. At the breakfast table, on the couches while they watched the mid-day news, in the truck on their way to a call, by his shoulder while they worked.

Wherever Buck was allowed to be next to Eddie, there he was.

For the most part, that was a normal occurrence in their lives. Chimney liked to tell them that they’d developed some weird hive-mind-thing after spending so much time together. That much was true; they had always worked well together and that bond had only strengthened with their relationship. Eddie never minded the teasing, never denied the mind-meld they had developed, never objected to Buck’s constant presence.

By the end of the day, Eddie seemed to object.

He hadn’t said anything yet, but he started to lean away from Buck whenever he sat too close, or completely step away while they were working. His language didn’t change towards him, but Eddie sounded tired by the end of their shift. More tired with each interaction he had with Buck.

 _He_ is _getting tired of you._

Buck needed to talk to Eddie as soon as possible.

Eddie seemed to have the same need, because he found Buck at the end of their shift as they were changing back into their civilian clothes.

“Can we talk?” Eddie licked his lips nervously.

Buck paused as he buttoned his shirt. “Here?” Somehow, that seemed worse.

“I don’t want Christopher to overhear.”

_Definitely worse. He’s going to break up with you._

Buck cleared his throat. “Sure.”

“Diaz, I need to talk to you.” They both turned at the sound of their captain’s voice at the bottom of the stairs and the urgent commanding look in his eyes.

Eddie looked back at Buck and held out his hands, already ready to calm him. “I’ll be right back.” He was jogging off before Buck could respond. What else could he do but finish changing, while he watched the brief conversation in which Eddie looked more and more dejected.

When he finally returned, his jog was a little less enthusiastic. “I forgot that I agreed to take David’s shift tonight and apparently someone else just called in so there’s no time to find a replacement. I’m sorry. Are you okay to do bedtime by yourself tonight?”

Buck nodded; bedtime wasn’t a problem. He’d only done it by himself once when Eddie had picked up an extra shift like he apparently had now, but it was nothing he couldn’t manage. That wasn’t the problem.

“He’ll be disappointed.”

Eddie ran a hand through his hair, sighing. It was a low blow, he knew, but if anything could get Eddie to break, it was always his son. “I know. But I made a commitment and it’s not David’s fault I forgot to put it in my calendar. I’ll grab a ride as soon as the shift’s done and I’ll be home as soon as I can, I promise.”

Buck let Eddie kiss his cheek as he retrieved his uniform from his locker and moved around to the private area. Alone again, Buck grabbed his bag and walked out to Eddie’s truck, numbness overtaking his body.

It was a normal occurrence for Eddie to pick up extra shifts when he could. Despite Buck’s contribution to the household, money was always a little tight at the Diaz house. He definitely hadn’t become a firefighter for the paycheck, and Eddie’s payments from the VA didn’t cover as much as it should have. So, Eddie taking extra hours at the station was not unusual in the slightest.

_It’s weird that he forgot, right?_

_Eddie never forgets a shift._

_Eddie never forgets to put anything in the calendar._

_Maybe there wasn’t a shift at all._

_Maybe he lied so he could avoid seeing you._

That was ridiculous. For one, Eddie would never avoid Buck by leaving him with Christopher. The man would attach a go-pro to his son’s head and watch him 24/7 if he could – in the most loving and not-at-all creepy way possible. Second of all, he’d just told Buck that he wanted to talk. Why would he turn around two seconds later and lie to avoid talking to him?

Eddie had simply forgotten about the shift and he would see him tonight. They could talk then.

This time, it was Buck’s fault that they didn’t get to talk. He’d tried to stay awake: turning on a highlight sports reel that was recapping the game he’d missed in playing with Christopher, cleaning dishes and clearing out the fridge (as had become his custom at least once per month). The moment he sat on the couch after all was said and done, he’d let his eyes close. He was awoken by Eddie’s hand on his arm, gently guiding him towards their bedroom, too tired to grumble, let alone have a serious conversation.

They would talk tomorrow.

* * *

The more Buck let his mind run away throughout their next shift, the more he became irritated by their interactions. Whenever he approached Eddie, the man seemed to instinctually recoil. Not a lot – Buck didn’t even notice it at first – but he would lean his body just slightly to the left, whenever Buck sat next to him at the table. If he was second to sit down, he wouldn’t sit next to Buck. If Buck sat next to him, he would shrug to get Buck’s hands off his shoulders. The clincher had been when they were working on a call and he’d very firmly said “Buck I need space to work” in a tone that implied he was more annoyed that he appeared, because they were currently in public.

Still, Eddie never said anything, never spoke to him any differently. He was still affectionate in the little ways they would touch while at work. He just refused to be physically near him for any extended periods of time. It started to bother Buck more than he realized it would.

_You’re practically hovering over him, how much more available can you be?_

_He doesn’t want to talk to you._

_Whatever’s wrong, he won’t tell you and you can’t make him._

_You can never make him do something he doesn’t want to do._

_It’s like pulling teeth to get him to initiate anything._

Huh.

Buck let that thought sit with him for longer than he should have. But it started him down a different road of thought that he hadn’t explored before. He _was_ the one who made a lot of first steps when it came to their relationship. Even the little things were Buck’s responsibility. Eddie always asked him to chose what they ordered for dinner or watched on TV (when it wasn’t Christopher’s turn to pick). He was always the deciding vote on whether they went out for drinks with friends. Since the water heater incident, Eddie always asked him to take care of household repairs that he couldn’t do himself. More and more, Eddie was getting Buck to make all the decisions and going with whatever Buck wanted.

_It’s like it doesn’t matter what you do together._

_Does Eddie even care or is he just putting up with you?_

No, that wasn’t right. Eddie loved him – cared about him – he was sure of that.

_You can love something and not like it at the same time._

_Does Eddie want to be with you anymore?_

His thoughts were only made worse when he tried to find Eddie during a lull in their shift. They were almost half-way through and things had been fairly quiet all day. Maybe he could get Eddie alone for five minutes and at least assuage some of his more troubling thoughts until they were at home.

He’d found Eddie after lunch, working out in the gym as per his routine. The routine Buck had pretty much memorized over the years.

_Does he know yours?_

He’d meant to ask Eddie, very calmly, if they could talk privately; but as he approached, Eddie immediately turned away. His cool intentions became a little more frantic, as he found himself demanding that Eddie talk to him. Every plea was met with the same denial, both of their voices growing harsher and louder. No one was yelling yet, but everyone was frustrated. After chasing Eddie around the gym area for a few rounds, the man made his escape and Buck followed on his heels.

“Buck, can you please leave me alone?” He walked backwards towards the trucks so he could wave his hands at his partner.

“Not if you’re going to keep lying to me.”

“I’m not lying. I said I was fine.”

Buck scoffed, still trailing him through the main floor of the station. “Yeah, you seem fine.”

“Because you won’t stop talking.”

“Then you talk.”

Eddie stopped in the centre of the firehouse, turning on his heels to face Buck who skidded to a stop in front of him. His eyes were bright with frustration and anger (and something that Buck might have identified as hurt, if he were thinking clearly). All he heard were Eddie’s words.

“You can be so overbearing; I can’t get a moment of peace with you. Could you shut up for five minutes?”

Something inside him snapped.

“I only seem overbearing because I’m the only one putting any effort into this relationship.”

He should have waited until they got home.

The moment the words left his lips, Buck’s entire body shut down. He shouldn’t have said that. He shouldn’t have thought it, but he _definitely_ shouldn’t have said it. Eddie’s face fell slack and what might have been a trace of hurt, became his entire emotional being.

“What?”

Buck couldn’t breathe.

“Boys.” The world came crashing down around them as they looked up to see Bobby staring at them, furious and concerned. As everything rushed back at once, Buck realized that the entire stationhouse had fallen silent, staring at the two men as they'd exchanged crushing blows. “Not the time. Go to your corners.” Bobby’s command penetrated the wall of emotions building inside him and he swallowed before any tears could form in his throat.

“Sorry Cap.” The boys echoed in near unison.

Buck looked back at Eddie’s face one last time and saw his own numb pain reflected in his eyes. He wanted to open his mouth – say something that would erase the last five minutes of their life – but there were no words. They moved in unison as they always did, walking away from each other for the first time in a very long time.

Buck didn’t feel the stairs beneath his feet, nor the railing sliding under his white-knuckle grip; he didn’t hear as chatter slowly resumed amongst his colleagues (most of them no doubt discussing what they’d just seen). His own words were playing on a loop - already haunting him - until he came face to face with his captain, and he struggled to silence his thoughts long enough to speak.

“I’m sorry Bobby, that was unprofessional. I know we agreed we’d keep it out of the station.”

The older man raised his eyebrows in disapproval. “You’re right.” But his expression softened a moment later. “Do you want to talk about it?”

What could he say? He’d just blown up the best relationship he’d ever had? Embarrassed both of them at work because he couldn’t keep his fears to himself for a few more hours? Buck shook his head. “Not really.”

Before Bobby could respond, the sound of the alarm rang throughout the hall, startling him more than it should have. He turned to run down the stairs without another word. At least on a call, he could forget about himself and focus on the job. He was good at that.

 _Too good at that_.

His stomach dropped. A call meant that he’d have to work with Eddie, talk to him; be professional. Could he do that?

 _This is why you were supposed to keep your personal lives out of the station_.

Bobby placed a hand on his shoulder to keep him upstairs.

“Stay behind today.” It wasn’t a request. Buck didn’t dare breathe a sigh of relief because it meant that Bobby didn’t trust him to do his job.

“What? Are you seriously punishing me for”

“I’m not punishing you.” The captain assured firmly. “I’m giving you two a chance to breathe. Jackson, you’re on deck.” He called out to the man sitting on the couch who jumped up from his spot and was down the stairs instantly.

The penetrating look Bobby gave to Buck made him feel exposed, raw. There were too many emotions at once. He needed to calm down.

“Use your time wisely” Bobby ordered, before joining the rest of the crew downstairs.

Buck watched them all grab their gear and pile into the trucks. He tried to avoid looking at Eddie but curiosity got the better of him as the man climbed into the truck.

He looked at Buck for a long, breathless moment before closing the door and riding away.

In the silence of the loft, Buck collapsed under the weight of his own idiotic actions, gripping the railing like his life depended on it. He swore under his breath as the image of Eddie’s barely contained hurt burned into the back of his eyelids.

He’d done that. He’d put that expression on his boyfriend’s face. Worst of it: he’d meant it. He shouldn’t have thought it, shouldn’t have said it, but he also meant it. All of his frustrations about Eddie’s lack of enthusiasm came bubbling up and he finally voiced his feelings in a jumble of harmful words he could never take back.

Maybe this had clinched it; Eddie had been slowly pulling away and now they were headed for a proper breakup. He’d done a lot of stupid things in their time together, maybe this was the last straw. Buck wouldn’t blame him.

Except he would. Eddie was the one who’d been pulling back and internalizing whatever was wrong instead of being honest with him. They were both to blame.

_You’re so overbearing._

Eddie had been telling him over and over to make the decisions for them, and had never objected to his choices. Apparently, he’d just been biding his time, letting the frustration build until it exploded all over the station.

Oh god, they’d said all of those things at work – in front of everyone – after they’d promised to keep it out of there. Bobby had looked pissed when he interrupted them and even if he’d calmed down a little, he had to be angry with them.

_I wonder if they’re giving Eddie advice right now._

No one could deny that they’d seen or heard the boys’ argument, but would they comment on it? Would they offer advice on how to make amends? Would they gently try to convince Eddie that it was time to end things?

_You’ve had a good run together. Clearly, there are irreconcilable differences here._

Just a few days ago, they’d been discussing what to do for their first anniversary. Buck remembered thinking that he had no intention of stopping after one year.

_Yeah, but that was the night that set all of this off._

_You were naïve to think Eddie wouldn’t leave, too._

_Except Eddie always stays._

_And so do you._

_You always fight for what you want._

_What do you want?_

He wanted Eddie.

* * *

An hour and a half later, Buck guided the truck back into its slot, flipping his wrist when it was time to stop. All the while, he kept a conscious eye on his breathing, steadying his heartrate as best he could. No sense in panicking before he even saw the object of his distress. Everyone clambered out of the truck, one at a time, passing Buck with their own version of acknowledgement. Some of them nodded sympathetically, others patted his back as they jogged past; Hen stood in front of him for about twenty endless seconds before sighing and running a hand down his arm.

Eddie was the last one to descend – no doubt knowing what was awaiting him back at the station. He gently slammed the door and stopped when he made eye contact with Buck. His eyes were still tired but some of the color had returned, no longer puffy and red.

He hadn’t imagined their fight or the look on Eddie’s face. He had to fix this.

“Can we talk?”

Eddie opened his mouth to speak but flipped his head to look to his captain for permission. Buck hadn’t even thought of what Bobby might have to say on the matter; taking up work hours to discuss a personal matter. But it couldn’t wait. He couldn’t spend the rest of the shift with this ache in his chest.

Thankfully, Bobby nodded. “Only till the next bell” he warned before walking away.

That would have to be enough time.

With no outer gear to divest, and the impending threat of another emergency looming over them, Buck nodded towards the locker rooms and hoped Eddie would follow. He’d thought long and hard about where to have a discussion with him – he’d had an hour and a half to himself to think about what and where he wanted to talk to Eddie. The ‘what’ was more of a vague outline of ideas he wanted to get across. The ‘where’ was a place where they would have the privacy of closed doors but the exposure of wide windows to make sure they behaved themselves. No more shouting matches (he hoped).

When he turned around, Eddie was trailing behind at an even pace, his expression stone. At least he allowed himself to be led towards the benches where they could sit and talk.

Or at least sit.

Damn it. There were on the clock and Buck had a lot to say, but the moment he sat down, every rehearsed word left his head. He ran a sweaty hand over his uniform pants and watched Eddie clasp his own hands over his knees in a move of equal discomfort.

He could do this. He could be honest and suffer the consequences. He just had to start. The idea of looking at Eddie felt like too much. If any part of him showed the hatred Buck worried was there, he wouldn’t be able to say what he needed to say. The floor where the wall met the tile would have to be a suitable substitute for now.

All the while, Eddie sat beside him, just close enough to feel the heat of his thighs but no closer. He could reach out and touch if he wanted; but neither of them did. His own words echoed in his ears.

_I only seem overbearing because I’m the only one putting any effort into this relationship._

Buck took a deep breath before diving in.

“I hate that I said that out of anger.”

“But you meant it?” Eddie’s voice was distant and strained to his ears, like it was the first time he’d opened his mouth in a while. Maybe it was. Knowing Eddie was aching didn’t change his confession, it spurred him forward.

“Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one taking steps forward, you know? I was the one who initiated the dating. I’m the one who asked to move in. I’m the one who brought up changing the emergency contacts. I’m”

“I thought you wanted to do those things.” The endless list of things he’d done for Eddie since before they started their relationship.

“I did.” Of course, he did. He wanted to help Eddie, to help Christopher, to make them smile. The easiest way for him to do that had been to be there for them – do things for them. “I just feel like I’m dragging you, kicking and screaming through this relationship. I don’t want you to feel like I’m pressuring you.”

_I don’t want you to feel like you have to stay if you don’t want to._

“I promise I don’t. I want to be here. It’s just…” Eddie was struggling to find his own words, to look anywhere but at the seam of the wall. It gave him hope.

“Between being a father and being a firefighter, I have to be ‘on’ 24/7. You know, I have to be focused and in control and have all the answers. And I’m not complaining, I love the life I’ve made here.” He was so focused on the explanation, Buck hadn’t realized Eddie had shifted to face him. He hazarded a look over his shoulder, seeing the familiar wounded, pleading look. “But I’m actually at a place now where I don’t have to be ‘on’, and I know I have a partner who’ll have my back.” _Always_. “I trust you to make decisions that will affect us both (all three of us) and I can actually take a second for myself. When I do get to stop, sometimes, I just need a break.” Eddie quickly held his hands out before Buck’s thoughts could supply the negative. “Not from you; from everything. So, I tell you that. But when you push, I feel like you don’t believe me; like you don’t trust that I’m telling you the truth. I hate feeling that way, Buck. It hurts.”

 _It hurts_.

_You don’t trust that I’m telling you the truth._

_I trust you…_

He hadn’t expected Eddie’s confession. None of it. But as he spoke, it made more and more sense. He knew how hard Eddie worked at being a father. His aunt had called him a ‘saint’, Buck privately called him a hero. He knew how seriously he took his job and how skilled he was in his field. It had never occurred to him that when Eddie needed a break, it was from his obligations; his own mind.

_You made it about yourself._

_I trust you._

Eddie trusted him to make decisions. Eddie _trusted_ him, and he’d seen it as a sign of not caring. Why did he always do this? At the slightest bit of provocation, he’d dove headfirst into the worst-case scenario and never looked back. Yes, he’d tried to talk to Eddie – and Eddie had tried to talk to him – before they’d said those things in anger, but it didn’t negate the fact that he’d thought them in the first place. He owed Eddie an explanation. He owed Eddie a lot of things.

“I’m sorry.” That was a start. “When you ‘need a break’; when you get quiet or move away from me: I think I got scared.” Scared that he was leaving, scared that Buck wasn’t enough, scared that he’d ruined the best thing in his life just by being himself. The words caught in his throat as he struggled to explain just how scared he really was at the thought of losing him. “Eddie, you should know that if you ever stopped loving me, I would fight tooth and nail to keep you in my life – in whatever way you let me. Because I don’t know what I’d do if you left.” If Eddie was gone from his life completely, if they’d never met, everything would be different. His friendship with Eddie had been an anchor during some of the hardest times in the past few years. If he ever left…

Oh.

“But you weren’t leaving, were you.”

Eddie’s head shake was slow and deliberate, eyes shining with an emotion Buck wished he could read. “You assumed the worst and I wish you wouldn’t. I wish you trusted what we have.”

That’s what it boiled down to, didn’t it? Buck didn’t trust Eddie’s commitment because he was paranoid. How had he not realized?

_No wonder Eddie called you overbearing._

He was startled out of his thoughts by a hand wrapping around his knee and he dragged his being back to Eddie. “But I’m not going anywhere. I told you: I’m in it.” Eddie squeezed his knee with purpose. “But you have to listen to me when I tell you I need space.”

He always listened to Eddie. He trusted Eddie – he loved Eddie – but he’d also spent the past two days convinced that things were over between them because Eddie told him he didn’t want to go out for dinner. He’d listened to Eddie but he’d pushed because it wasn’t what he wanted.

_How self-centered can you be?_

_It’s not selfish, it’s magnifying; it’s jumping to a conclusion; it’s ‘all or nothing’ behavior._

_Damn. Maybe your therapist was right._

Buck rested his hand against Eddie’s, hoping just a little bit of his remorse was seeping through his touch. “I trust you completely. I do. It’s like, my brain won’t let me be happy, you know? There’s always gotta be something wrong.”

“I get that.” Eddie almost laughed, if there had been any space to breathe. “I really, really do. But that’s why we’re working on this, right? We’re going to therapy and we’re sharing things about ourselves even when they’re hard.” He looked so intently into Buck’s eyes; he couldn’t have looked away even if he’d wanted to. “And we’re supporting each other.”

“Partners.” Always partners in everything they did. From the very beginning, that’s what they’d done – and what they had to keep doing.

“So, I need you to trust me. And come to me when you’re feeling like this; like I’m leaving you?” Fresh hurt washed over both of them, the blow dampened by their touch. “Buck, I’m not going anywhere.”

Of course he wasn’t going anywhere.

Eddie always stays.

So does Buck.

He just wished he could convince himself of what he already knew.

“I know that in here.” He lightly tapped his heart. Where his feelings for Eddie were kept safe. “God, Eddie, I love you so much. And I know you love me, too.”

_But will it last forever?_

“I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. For you to wake up and realize…” his face fell slack at the thought. This was not the first time he’d wandered down the path of not being enough, but he’d never said it – or almost said it – to Eddie. He saw the recognition at the words he couldn’t voice, saw the shifting emotions as he processed his confession.

_But it’s not true._

He wanted to shout at his own mind to shut up, the same way Eddie had scolded him.

_Just shut up for five minutes and enjoy what you have._

_Why is that so hard?_

He turned his focus to Eddie’s hand, the one still holding his knee. It was warm and familiar. If he focused on that for a minute, he could break from whatever disastrous thought process he was headed down. He could come back. One breath, then two.

Of course, returning to reality meant returning to the world where he’d royally screwed up. While he was coming to terms with whatever was going on his mind, he’d hurt Eddie; said awful things when he let his feelings spiral out of control. That couldn’t happen again. Finally, he found enough air to speak. “But they’re my insecurities. It’s not fair to you.”

After a moment, Eddie sighed. “It’s not fair to you either. And I think you should talk to him about this.” He was already starting a mental catalogue of everything that had happened over the last few days for his next session. “But you’re my partner and I hear what you’re saying.” All the things he’d left unsaid, and Eddie had heard him; had seen the realization as he understood how far Buck had let himself fall.

“I will be better about assuring you how important you are to me.” Eddie resolved to both of them. “But Buck, I mean it: you have to believe that what I’m telling you is the truth. You have to listen when I tell you what I need. You can’t keep assuming that the world is out to get you; you’re not just hurting yourself.”

If Buck could feel his face, he would have nodded harder. As it was, a ball of energy he didn’t realize he was holding, flew out of his mouth on a relieved laugh.

“I will. I’ll work on it.” He could be better. He had to be better.

_You’re not just hurting yourself._

“And I’ll let you know when I’m feeling a little needy.”

Eddie raised an eyebrow in gentle scolding. “Buck.”

Right! Right. He sometimes regretted the day he’d come home from his first therapy session outside of the department, and excitedly told Eddie about all the techniques he wanted to research; all the ways Eddie could help him. Namely, calling out the little ways he talked about himself.

He barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “When I need more verbal affirmations of our relationship.” Maybe that’s all he needed: the occasional reminder that things were okay – at least until he could believe it himself. Either way, he couldn’t let these past two days be an omen for worse things. No more letting his thoughts run away from him. It would be a slow process.

But when Buck resolved to do something, he fought for it. So he’d fight to keep that look off of his partner’s face; let it sear his heart so it would never happen again.

All the while, Eddie pressed his hand into Buck’s knee. And those eyes. He could stare into those eyes forever, so long as they kept looking at him like forever was a possibility. “I don’t want you to be worried about us” Eddie whispered.

_You should be worried._

_I’m not. I was projecting fears that weren’t warranted._

_We’ll see._

_No. I’m not worried._

“Therapy’s been going well, I see.” Buck hoped his words would help to lift the tension off their shoulders, and was rewarded with the first genuine laugh he’d heard in days. Both of them let their shaking shoulders and aching chests ease some of the pressure; but not enough to be forgotten.

“Ass.” Eddie slapped his shoulder as things settled between them, lighter now. “But yeah. And I recognized some of those key words there. Glad things are going well with the new guy.”

They shared so much of their lives, so many details, they could share this.

_If you were better at communication, it never would have come to this._

_It doesn’t matter, I’m here now._

“I’m sorry I blew up earlier. I promise I’m going to try.” The words eased some of the weight off his chest.

Eddie nodded in understanding, his own back straightening a little. “I’m sorry for what I said.” He seemed to hold his breath for a moment, preparing apprehensively. “But I would like to stay in on Thursday.”

_Anything._

Buck’s smile was immediate. “Let’s order something. It’s our anniversary after all, we shouldn’t have to cook.”

Relief painted Eddie’s face as he pretended to contemplate his options. As if there were any other choice. “I’m thinking Hawaiian?”

“That sounds great” Buck muttered fondly.

He waited – hoped – that Eddie would open his arms to him, invite him back in after he’d screw up so badly. He felt his body melt into their hug, as brief as it was. They were still at work after all. And they’d made a promise.

Eddie dragged a hand up to cup Buck’s cheek but didn’t pull him in; just held him steady for a moment. Buck tried to project how sorry he was and how grateful he felt to forgive and be forgiven. He renewed his resolve to listen and _trust_ that he was hearing the truth. It was very likely that this wouldn’t be the last time he let his own insecurities overshadow his rationality, but he would never let Eddie look the way he looked today. He didn’t deserve that.

Whatever Eddie saw in his eyes, gave him the courage to stand. Buck took the offered hand and let himself be led back into waiting world. Outside of their glass prison, the station was back to normal, loud and bustling, no one paying them much mind.

All except for two men standing a few feet from the door, arms crossed in a comically similar way.

Chimney raised an eyebrow in questioning. “Either that was the nicest breakup I’ve ever seen or you guys are good.”

Eddie squeezed their hands laced tightly together, looking right at Buck as he smiled. “We’re good” he promised. Later, Buck might feel a little self-conscious about how lovesick he must be looking at Eddie out in the open, but right in this moment, he couldn’t bring himself to care. His relief and hope were too great.

Their revere was broken by Bobby clearing his throat, bringing their heads snapping back to their captain. “This is your one warning, boys. It happens again and you get written up.”

Fair enough. They’d broken one of Bobby’s two rules – in a pretty public way – it’d be weird if there was no lecture. Though, even the shame of Bobby’s scrutinizing gaze couldn’t break through Buck’s mood.

“We know” he promised. “It won’t happen again.”

Slowly, Bobby smiled, looking fondly between the couple. “Good. I’m glad you two worked it out.”

So were they.


End file.
